Medical School

To check what's going on with my class visit geekymedstudents. 

Ever heard of Samuel Shem? If you have you'll know about his classic work of medical cynicism, the House of God. Particularly  memorable are the Fat Man's Rules of the House of God: 

I. GOMERS DON’T DIE. 

II. GOMERS GO TO GROUND. 

III. AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE. 

IV. THE PATIENT IS THE ONE WITH THE DISEASE. 

V. PLACEMENT COMES FIRST. 

VI. THERE IS NO BODY CAVITY THAT CANNOT BE REACHED WITH A #14 NEEDLE AND A GOOD STRONG ARM. 

VII. AGE + BUN = LASIX DOSE. 

VIII. THEY CAN ALWAYS HURT YOU MORE. 

IX. THE ONLY GOOD ADMISSION IS A DEAD ADMISSION. 

X. IF YOU DON’T TAKE A TEMPERATURE, YOU CAN’T FIND A FEVER. 

XI. SHOW ME A BMS* WHO ONLY TRIPLES MY WORK AND I WILL KISS HIS FEET. XIA. Al's Corollary: Show me a resident who only triples my work, and I will kiss his/her feet. 

XII. IF THE RADIOLOGY RESIDENT AND THE BMS* BOTH SEE A LESION ON THE CHEST X-RAY, THERE CAN BE NO LESION THERE. 

XIII. THE DELIVERY OF MEDICAL CARE IS TO DO AS MUCH NOTHING AS POSSIBLE.

 With tongue firmly in cheek, I have composed my own set rules. They are based on my elective experiences - The Thin Man's Rules of St. Augustine: 
 

I. IF PUS IS ABOUT, LET IT OUT - AND PUS IS ALWAYS ABOUT. 

II. EVERY PATIENT HAS URETHRAL DISCHARGE AND A GENITAL ULCER UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE. 

III. THINGS ARE NOT GETTING BETTER IF THERE IS "A CHANGE IN CONDITION". 

IV. CPR IS EASIER ON A HARD FLOOR THAN A SOFT BED. 

V. SODIUM IS ALWAYS LOW. 

VI. NOT EVERYTHING WIERD AND WONDERFUL IS DUE TO RVD (RETROVIRAL DISEASE). 

VII. GLUCOSE SAVES LIVES (MALARIA, QUININE, ALCOHOL, CONFUSION, COMA,...) 

VIII. YOU CAN ONLY SOLVE A PROBLEM IF YOU KNOW THAT THE PROBLEM EXISTS. 

IX. IF YOU LOOK AFTER PATIENTS, SOMETIMES THEY GET BETTER. 

X. OCKHAM'S RAZOR IS BLUNT IN AFRICA - ONE CAUSE NEVER EXPLAINS ALL OF A PATIENT'S PROBLEMS. 

XI. ALTHOUGH THERE IS ALWAYS MORE THAN ONE PROBLEM, THE PATIENT WILL ONLY TELL YOU ABOUT THEM IN INSTALLMENTS (IF AT ALL). 

XII. IF THE PATIENT IS FROM A PRISON, LOOK FOR HUMAN BITE MARKS. 

XIII. IF THE PATIENT HAS BEEN CURSED, SO HAVE YOUR HOPES OF HELPING HIM/ HER. 

XIV. TOOTHACHE CAN KILL IF IT IS NOT FIXED. 

XV. NOT ALL FEVERS ARE MALARIA - BUT MOST ARE. 

XVI. ALWAYS CONSIDER TUBERCULOSIS, SYPHILIS, AND WORMS - CONSIDER HIV LAST. 

XVII. NOT ALL PATIENTS ARE HIV POSITIVE - BUT MOST ARE. 

XVIII. FOOD AND REST ARE THE BEST MEDICINES. 

XIX. A DYING MAN COSTS LESS TO TAKE HOME THAN A DEAD MAN. 

XX. IF THE PATIENT WILL DIE WITHOUT A BLOOD TRANSFUSION, GIVE IT - IF NOT, DON'T. 

XXI. ONE DAY SOMEONE WILL WANT AN HIV TEST - SO KEEP ASKING.